Jul 01 2011
Gone before it started
Nothing has started
But now we have parted
Did you want me?
I cannot see.
You say something wrong,
But it sounds like a song.
You say something right,
Yet it sounds like a fight.
How can I trust you?
Now it’s not true.
I thought you where good
But you were just rude!
I believed your lies
I went with your tries
I remembered your ties
Until those last sighs
I miss what it was
I miss you because…
It didn’t even start
But we’re already apart.
I shouldn’t care
I shouldn’t let it tear
At my insides you see
The pain it’s causing me.
I miss you so much baby
I just can’t go on, see me,
It’s hurting me too much,
Because you can’t trust!
– Lauren Hazel
(5 votes, average: 4.60 out of 5)
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The rhyming was forced. I think you should’ve just went with your feelings instead of going for words that rhyme. There were some parts of the poem that were just thrown out there to make it rhyme. The poem as a whole flows very little. The esence(not sure if that’s how you spell it) of the poem is very powerful, I think that with some changes this could be an amazing poem.
I agree that the rhyming was a bit clumsy. The second stanza said a lot, though. I really liked it.