Oct 09 2010

I need to know..

Published by at 1:21 pm under Missing you Love Poems

You know that I love you…
no matter the hurtful things you do or say..
There are times when you make promises that are too easily not kept..
I didn’t think it was so demanding..
I keep my promises unless there is a inescapable reason.. so thats it is why it is hard for me to be understanding..
I know not everyone has values like me..
But am I really asking that much?
It is hard to believe what people say when they do not ever keep the promises they make..
I understand that life throws us curves and not all promises can always be kept.. but dont I at least deserve to be told a reason.. not just shoved aside..
I love you unconditionally no matter the promises you break.. I never required that you love me in return.. However you have told me you feel the same..
My actions, my words.. the way that I let you affect me.. show it..
Even people who never met me.. have no choice but to know it..
I know your life is hard and I can never possibly know everything that you go through..
Fears that I have arfe related to actions and reactions we tend to have towards each other..
Yes, I worry about you and stay up late at night wondering if your out somewhere dying..
Do you realize the pain..
I have gone through and still go through every day to where at times I cannot keep myself from crying..
You are not around so maybe it is hard to comprehend because you do not see the tears that I shed or that I have a hard time trying to eat or sleep.. Hell even to take care of myself..
Not many things hold enjoyment and I spend most of my time on deployment to find something to just help me deal..
If I were to go by the way I have been treated..
Pushed away and discarded when times got harder..
I think of you constantly and in your heart you know it.. So why at the end of the day do I wonder if your love is true.. why do you have such a hard time to just show it..
You rarely call not even to just say hello..
When you need me I have always tried to be there even though I dont always have material things to share..
You will never know how much I have truly given just to show you that I cared.. There have been times you ..
I have needed, felt alone, uncared for, and mistreated..
I rare shared things that were stressing me out in my own life all the troubles I was going through.. I never wanted you to feel guilty or burden you with more when you had too much on your plate already..
At times the struggles I was going through may have made my feelings less true even though they were not..
I know you have your doubts about us and I would be lying if I said I did not.
I have my reasons and I know they are valid… The only thing I am left wondering is just what yours are..
I share my doubts and feelings so that together we can try and sort it out..
Many times after sharing I have been left feeling that I should have just shut you out..
Whenever I dare to talk about emotions and how I feel inside..
Nine out of ten you become upset again..and silently push me away…
To say I understand wouldnt be true when I have no idea what to say or do..

I try many tactics to figure and sort our problems out… Whenever I try … and end up left failing.. I always wonder.. why.. Now I know that we have to work together as a whole if we ever want this to be forever.

I start thinking.. always thinking…
Sometimes too much thinking is never good.. because the truth gets mixed up in scenarios that play in ones head.. there is no real truth without the other person being involved in your internal discussion..
Logically if I were to step outside of my emotions and take a good look at everything that has transpired and what is going on now.. It would force my love blinded eyes to see that only words ever give hint of your intention but I would be remiss if I somewhow failed to mention that your actions and reactions ever support your claims… Now can you see why it is extremely hard to believe that you feel it…
If I were to go by appearances and the way things seem the way your so loved logic would.. Seemingly the only time you need me (its rare if at all you seem to want me) is when you are down and out, in trouble, or just feeling lonely… You do not treat me as if an equal someone you want by your side… in fact if you have not noticed you treat me quite bad instead of the people in your life who actually deserve it.
Can you yet see why I am scared to believe that you really mean all that you say..?
Do you how hard it is to keep up faith when there is so little to go on.. You have me feeling that I am forever dealing with a dream you will never allow to come true..
I wonder at times if happiness scares you.. since every time we are close.. you run away.. Cant you see my heart is steady…
Is it too much to ask that you try and not live in the past and give me something more to go on?
I want a future with you in my life.. to be together to learn, grow and heal each other.
My heart keeps of the fight its so much stronger than I ever dreamed.. (maybe its only because it is you) and refuses to ever give up. no matter the logic, what people say, or how things seem.
I am fighting a war but I need you to let me know I am not fighting a losing battle.. one that I can never win..
Is it too much to mention I need to know your intentions.. to feel that you are not just spitting game.. I know about your past with women just a bit.. I try to think beyond my own insecurities and confidences but its hard.. Sometimes I wonder if I am just naive.. or believe too much in you…
I want you to continue being the biggest part of me.. Is it so much to ask for a little sign.. every now and then of affection? Yes, I want you and your love it never mattered what you have done, how you look, the way you dress, or about sex.
Is it so selfish of me to need to see that I am not all alone in this love..?
I know right now your circumstances are quite hard and every day is a battle you go through to simply survive..
If you were not so stubborn and set in your ways.. We could make this dream come true if it is indeed shared.. I would fight beside you.. share your battle.. be there to pick you up when you are down..I could teach alot to you and I know you have alot to teach me… We could be like to halves made whole..
I know this may not be the town you have always dreamed of it does not have to be our permanent place.. Its a simple beginning until we are capable of living somewhere you find more desirable.. for me it does not matter where I am for my home will always be you..
Unfortunately as always it will come down to what you want more.. You know I will wait but can you blame and forgive me if I ask can you tell me.. that I have a reason to stat and wait?
You know that I love you.. and by now you know I always hav and I hope you know I always will. But pardon me if I ask .. If you want this to be real what keeps holding you back?.. Make me understand your reasons because right now I only have conclusions.. One is that you are scared it is real and you will somehow lose this so instead of trying before even starting you give up.. Two.. you are afraid of change and just not sure how to make it happen.. needing to realize the world you once lived in is no longer for you… Three. this is the one I refuse to believe with every breath I take .. no matter how things may seem to be.. logically if actions and appearances were factored.. you no longer want to change the you and me to us.. you no longer want me beside you to love you and help you be strong.. If what you have said were to be believed then maybe my looks dont appeal to you.. Looks can change and they will as time moves on.. but the person I am inside that I know you do at least care for will not ever change who I am.. the only traits that i want to change are the negative ones that hold me back and make me unhappy..

I had hoped by now the fact that I am here will have gotten rid of any doubts or fears you may have had about me permantly leaving and causing you too much pain.. I want and need to know the same because you have left me quite uncertain.. You wonder why I always think that you are going to break my heart? Do you think I am still in love with another and hold him instead of you in my heart?
Well let me reassure you… I may have loved before but the way I feel for you I have only ever read about and seen in movies.. it makes the way I felt about my ex seem like a schoolgirl crush and only about lust.. With you I just want to be around… I would never have gone through the hell and hardships and when we broke off when I healed I never looked back.. with you every time we are apart the place where my heart used to be constantly hurts.. my breathing gets caught as I cry of thoughts and memories of you I hold in my head.. I want to learn and know all about you but you have to open up.. I know when it is all said and done.. you will have a few walls to conquer.. I do not want to put them up intentionally but im just letting you know they might be there and I pray you care enough to tear them down.. if they are there i want you to know it was to protect.. not only me but us.. If I continue on the path im on feeling every emotion.. every bit of pain.. then eventually no matter how much I love you and want to be there.. i might come to dislike you.. and that is something I never want to do..

I want us to make a life together..
to share all the difficulties life throws our way…
to share what we have learned, learn together and grow…
To share everything.. the laughter.. the joy.. the hardships.. the pain.. fears and yes.. even the pain..
You do not ever have to be alone.. it has always been your choice to make..
I told you the only way I would ever truly leave you was if you asked me to do it.. well now after this last time I have to say you will have to look in my eyes so i know you mean it….

I want us to be happy and if it is your wish .. i believe with all my heart we would be happy together.. though we have only had a few days to spend physically in each others physical presence … I believe that you enjoyed almost every minute I was there.. I think too you struggled with yourself and I did too to not show me how much you really care.. We have had the best of times.. laughter, smiles, joy.. happiness and love…… we have shared some of the hard times too.. we have both gone through hell, lived with pain, seperation has always been hard, tears, fears, frustration and quite a bit of anger too..

All that I hope is past and we can live on in the future to have more good times but even when it is bad I want to share those too.. I love you and you know it is true.. I know you may not be ready to receive it.. All I ask is that you do not let fear hold you back… and not take the chance you have been given.. I know we could be happy together since the day I first met you I felt that connection… even if the distance made it seem improbable it woud ever come true… Since it has.. and then it was taken back.. I want you back.. I dont think you have a clue of all I feel and all I have felt.. how much if you woud let me.. I want to spend every day .. every moment telling you and expressing to you how much I love you… how much you mean to me.. and how much you complete me.. by just being you…
So that is why I ask… and you do not have to answer right away.. just when you do be sure of your answer.. so I will ask “You know how I feel and you know it is real.. I doubt you are happy where you are… so what are you (or if you so desire…. us) going to do.” Are you going to just sit there and take it.. thinking you deserve the life that you got? Or are you going to realize its not always about what you deserve when it comes to the negative things.. dont punish yourself.. when so many others in your life will do it for you… not trying to affect your decision but I want to mention make the choice with your heart and what you know will make you happy and be the best for you in the long run… so now I ask what are you going to do?
When you find the answer no matter what it might be whether I want to hear it or not.. give me a call and let me know.. I will be glad to hear your voice no matter what

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

6 responses so far

6 Responses to “I need to know..”

  1. Michaelaon 12 Oct 2010 at 11:31 pm

    wow that was really long. but i can relate to it in soo many ways.

  2. anthonyon 17 Oct 2010 at 3:33 am

    sigh this is me and the girl who just left me 🙁

  3. ChrissyB.on 17 Oct 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Wow. This is amazing

    I understand.
    And feel the same way atm . Like I can relate.

    Hope everything works out for you.
    Stay strong.

  4. pixieon 08 Nov 2010 at 6:58 pm

    It was reaaaaallly long (Once again) but… I read the whole thing from the beginning this time and I absolutely loved it!

  5. Georgiaaon 09 Dec 2010 at 1:09 am

    oh my goodness !!
    wow that was soo long but i can relate to that in so many ways ..
    and im sorry she left you but there is only so much a girl can take .. xx

  6. Despondenton 14 Mar 2012 at 2:58 am

    This was so raw, so real…like you saw inside my heart and wrote what I have been feeling for my boyfriend.

    How did this turn out for you? What happened in your relationship?

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