Nov 12 2010

The hidden

Published by at 11:48 am under Sad Love Poems

Hope is one thing in the past I have always had even clung to..
Even though so many lessons learned have taught that rarely can hope be placed in another actions and words…
Too many variables both known and unknown
can cause in a instant for things to come undone..
It is rare indeed to find someone like me who gives their all in both passion and love…
no matter the consequences to self..
I begin to think there are no others like me
.. I have become the last of a dying breed.
Sometimes all people see is whether or not there are results..
However, they fail to see the road traveled
to get there is often filled with pain, stress,
depression, heartache,despair, loneliness, and fights that have to be won..
Most of the time when I am not able to come through (although in the scheme of things.. it is quite rare, but failure is easier to remember) it is because it is something
beyond my control and trust me no one beats me up over my times of failure to come through more than I.
I try harder than anyone and yet it goes
unheeded if it was not a success then I am left to feel defeated..
Why is it I am always alone when support
and comfort are needed? Do I not deserve
the same treatment I extend?
With every battle and as stress for myself grows higher.. I begin to weaken and wonder if my heart and brain will choose to expire…
Why do I always have to deal with all these things.. forever it seems alone..
No one will ever truly know the extent of what I have had and continue to go through… nor will I share what I have put myself through for another even though there has always been a choice.. in my heart I have always known that is simply not true..
I walk alone to deal with all of these problems..
Any cries for help unanswered.. so that I have learned to stop crying out…
Everything is beginning to make a numbness spread.. even if it is not how I wish to be..
It is the only way to keep dark thoughts from infecting and total meltdown at bay..
No one is to blame for anything in my life.. I take responsability for my actions..
I alone must always fight this battle that I will leave unknown..
When I was younger I used to have expectations in every aspect of life..
For awhile I continued to let them linger.. but so many crushed plans, dreams, and hopes have led to the destruction of all expectations after so many harsh lessons were learned..
People wonder at my capacity to trust or lack thereof and i can only respond “Can you really blame me?”. I try so hard to remain positive in a negative world.. where seemingly everyone is out for themselves and never seem to realize that truth about themselves..
The only outlet I can find these days is through the words that I do write..
I now look for the inner strength I carry inside to hide all of the hurt, pain, and anger.. that makes it so hard to survive..
And for so long now even harder to find the will to stay alive..
There is someone in my life who means everything to me .. the other half that makes me whole.. every time they depart.. the feeling of being incomplete nearly kills me.. each time the strength to keep on weakens.. I give willingly to them all that I have and sometimes what I do not.. wondering at times if they realize I am not made of unlimited resources though appearances make it seem that is not true..
It goes far beyond monetary support and this is the part I do not think has ever been noticed.. I understand that they go through alot and probablly more than I know.. what they do not see is not even a tenth of what I go through ever reaches their ears because I only want to be good for them and not add another stress on top of all the others.. but as things continue as they have for so long I am forced to face this unfair position that I have been in for such a long time.. Does it not matter to them at all.. that I have needs too.. I have so many fears that sometimes cause problems and without being able to discuss them I just dont know what to do.. it is not like they are unfounded.. but without talking about them it is hard to dispel what is forever lurking just beneath the surface.. Actions and reactions have made it hard to see if intentions are truly for the good and just what is really there..
The dark side of me begs me to wonder if they even care…
What about me? it screams from somewhere deep inside.. I am the one who has always tried to be there and given everything that I possibly can and more.. It has all began to take a toll..
Why does it seem like everyone else is willingly lent support when nine out of ten they will willingly leave someone hanging and are nowhere to be found when truly needed.. To understand all of this I am sorry but it becomes very hard to do..
Wondering just where I fit in.. and if its the bottom of the list..
When hurt I used to run away.. become emotionally distant to avoid further pain..
I often ponder when I became so strong that I still stay constantly fighting for all I have in me..
The more I go through such pain and loneliness.. I begin to feel myself pulling away.. which is the farthest from what I want..
Of late it seems that conditions are beginning to be set a contradiction to words that were previously said..
I am so afraid inside.. no one has any idea… to go through the worst pain once again I have ever had to endure.. just barely this time..
I am hesitant even if it does not show.. for if things end up the same.. i know i could not bear it.. and to be quite honest i know I will not survive.. I will never blame anyone but me.. I take responsibility for my life..
More than anything in my world both pat and the present.. I want the hope this time fearfully placed in the future will allow everything to be what it should have always been..
Im sorry I am so scared if only my thoughts could be shared.. without judgment, assumptions, hurt and a defensive stance.. then I might feel more at ease and prepared.. yet never will this be allowed..
I need to be shown this is not just a game or test… for rest assured it has never been that for me.. It may not be fair that I have a need to know this is all not one-sided… to be more than just told but shown… That I am truly what is wanted and needed…
My walls have crept up without my knowing.. confessing to myself that I hope I am cared enough about for the want to be there to tear them down..
I have never wanted to be distant or pushed away..
At the end of the day the only thing that remains in my heart the everlasting hope that everything will happen in time..For now I throw up my hands and take it day by day.. each burden one by one.. I hope one day a discussion will happen that can put all my fears at ease… so I can permanently move beyond them to instead embrace all of the possibilities..

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4 responses so far

4 Responses to “The hidden”

  1. pixieon 12 Nov 2010 at 6:14 pm

    In my opinion, this poem was much too long

  2. iwait4you4everon 13 Nov 2010 at 11:46 am

    haha you know i love doin that to ya :p

  3. Thiz.chiQ.loves.veriimuch.on 20 Jul 2011 at 10:06 am

    nevermind the length
    such truth is always with one and when you can
    relate,it really isnt a bother.

    I must tell you that your poems,all of them
    have saved me from insanity. I read them yesterday
    ahhhhh yes ‘better late than never right”
    yet I find that the love you speak of is a love i can relate to like 99%!!
    Im even quite shocked because i thought
    I was the only one who loved like I do
    even when it seems so hopeless at times
    and that poem where you said you couldnt imagine having someone
    else’s kids or being someone else’s wife…like
    so real….and well I just wanna say

    Thank you for sharing your poems with the world
    because you’ve really re-enforced hope in love
    and perserverence tooooooooo!!!!!!
    because love is not EASY!!

    I mean love is forever and if you are going
    to be with someone for the rest of your life
    it cant easy when so many people are in loveless relationships over and over agin searching,,
    ok dont know if you get me but…thank you.

  4. Thiz.chiQ.loves.veriimuch.on 20 Jul 2011 at 10:08 am

    for real

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