For the most part I just write what I feel either at the moment.. or that I have felt at some point in my life... some of it is to express some of the hurt I may be feeling at the time.. trying to work through my issues and negativity in a positive manner... I am not on here to direct blame at anyone.. or to hurt anyone with my words... This is my self therapy... Since so much of the time the person I wish to express myself to and communicate with is unavailable... I will say this.... and this is something no matter how angry... upset.. disappointed... disillusioned... sad.. hurt.. ignored.. jealous... depressed... I may feel or be at the time... this person is never far from my thoughts.. and will always... to me at least... be the other half of my soul... the one and only person who can turn my day around simply by hearing their voice.. I know in this life... if I really was allowed a choice... and I could choose only one person to commit myself monogamously in a relationship to ... I would always pick him.... It was unintentional... like falling in love with "the one and only" usually is... Even though it may be the wrong time... place.. heck even the wrong lifetime.. I will never regret having this person in my life... I can only pray they never choose to leave it... I know.. that no one knows what the future may hold... but my fondest wish... my sincerest desire... is to stand by his side.. and light loves eternal fire... The situation more than anything brings me hurt and pain... I just try to feel my way through it.. and it does suck at times.. because I feel so alone... I may be crazy or wishful thinking... but in my heart... i do not think that I am completely alone in love... or unwanted... However I am not a mind reader.. and I may have hurt this person before... and they are not as open with their feelings as I am... Maybe one day if my Irish luck ever turns around... I will say this.. no matter what.. for this person I will always be around.. they will always have my heart... and if they ever decide they want to share more of their life with me... or even the rest of their life with me... I will be here.. because for me there is no other... He truly does complete me... and if one day I was blessed with a chance.. I would show him how beautiful true love really can be.. I would do everything I could to show him with my actions... and my words.. just how serious I am... I dream... all the time of this person and how I wish things could be... They are my everything.. I hope maybe one day... I can mean the same to them... until then... I will work on myself.. continue showing them the loving, caring, giving person.. I really am... that I am not just associating with them for their looks, material wealth, social connections, or sexual prowess... from the moment we met.. I felt something.. I had never felt with anyone else before or since... I do not know if he felt the same.. I can only hope.. I have been hurt so much in the past by not just previous relationships with other men.. but issues from my past with my parents... It is so crazy that I trust this person... more than ANYONE I have ever known in my life.. and even then I am afraid... because quite simply.. I feel so much for them... I don't want to scare them away.. they are one of my best friends.. I sometimes wonder if he even realizes just how much he does mean to me.. and how more than anything else in the world I just long to spend more time with him.. getting to know him.. and letting him get to know me... he may not realize that he has walls in place but I do.. i care so much i want to help him bring them down.. as I hope he will want to do the same with me... I know this whole situation is not ideal.. and there are so many things at stake.. I wish I could say I have a perfect solution.. I can only continue to be real... and let him know how I feel.. Someday he will share his feelings.. I am not going anywhere... even though at times when I am hurt... or I feel like he is ignoring me... deliberately pushing me away... it does not change the fact that I am very much in love with him and always will be.. that wont change... I miss him so much and it sucks... that we are not currently talking.. and I have not seen him in what feels like forever... There are so many things I would like to do for him... to say to him.. I wish I could show him how happy he makes me... despite all of the difficulties.. I would never just give up.. simply he means far too much... maybe one day I will come to mean the same to him... If he would let me ... i would be there for him in any capacity that he needed.. there are some major obstacles in the way of me doing everything for him that I would like... I guess for now I just have to keep the faith.. and know that if this is what is meant to be... like I believe it is.. then everything will all work out.. I do not want him to miss out on someone like me.. and I am far from an ego maniac or even that confident.. I just know what could be... if he would just give it a chance... I refuse to put any pressure.. because there is so much in life that already pushes and pulls on him... and I never want to be a burden or annoyance.. i only want to be a helpmate.. he has enough people already in his life.. that ask for in my opinion... way too much... and do not realize how much he gets stressed despite.. the false calm he tries to show to the world... I see the real him... does he see the real me? that is one of the many questions only he can answer...